Newborn
by Simon920
Summary: Edward's version of his changing.
1. Chapter 1

**Newborn**

**Part One  
**

What I remember is the pain; agony beyond anything I'd ever imagined, beyond enduring, beyond…anything.

Burning, scorching, reducing me to ashes and then, like some cursed phoenix, I remained intact to burn again and again, aching, screaming the torment without reason or explanation.

A voice spoke to me, meaningless words and murmurs telling me unheard things, trying to comfort when there was no comfort possible. I would wish for my mother as I would when I was a child; I'd imagine her gentle smile hiding her concern as she brought me a cool cloth for my head and a cold drink to quench the thirst charring my throat. I'd hear her voice, quiet and worried as she promised me that I'd be all right, that soon this would pass and I'd be better. But then I'd remember again, I'd remember that she'd died in the narrow cot beside me, the doctor's not knowing I saw, barely an arm's length away and the fires would take me again.

I worried about my father, knowing he'd be broken by her death. I knew I'd have to stay with him so he wouldn't be alone, at least for a while—I couldn't leave for the war in Europe, the Great War when he would be in so much pain from her loss. Even my selfishness wouldn't allow for me to abandon him yet. I couldn't; I would have to delay my enlistment.

Jesus, the _pain_…

Ablaze.

Every cell, every muscle, every bone, every tendon, my very skin was on fire. I couldn't bear this. I couldn't. Kill me. Please. Kill me. I begged, whimpered, screamed it in my mind and finally couldn't contain the sounds any longer. I opened my eyes, begging the man beside me and when he shook his head, telling me that this would pass but I knew better than to believe him and finally I simply cried. I couldn't do this. I wasn't strong enough, make it end, put an end to it, put an end to me. Please. Please. I can't. No more. Kill me. Mercy. Please._ Dear God, mercy._

The calm voice murmured on and on, a hand held mine and I gripped it, grasped it, held it as my only lifeline, as the only real thing left. There was nothing else beside the voice and the hand that held mine.

My mother was dead. I had to live for my father.

I'd forgotten, but he was gone, too. He'd died first, days ago, Weeks ago. Months ago. Another lifetime ago. He was dead. My mother was dead, I'd watched her die and now I was the only one left. It didn't matter. I'd die, too. I had to, I had to be dying; no one could endure this. Please, let me die, too. Death was the only hope I had then and with all my being I prayed that it come soon.

The calm voice was there, always there in the background like the babbling of a cool brook on a hot day. It was the only coolness in my world.

The pain went on. The burning yielded to nothing. I wished for death, every moment I prayed for release. Every second was an hour, every minute a day, every day an eternity. I was beyond coherence, beyond anything human. I _was_ pain. My body was agony, my thoughts were white-hot daggers piercing my brain, light impaled my eyes with shards of broken glass. Each breath brought another flood of torture to my lungs; each random sound caused my body to shudder and writhe.

It went on and on. It would never end. I would never find the mercy of death; I would never be free of this.

Then the soft voice, never ending, never ceasing slowly, slowly started to make some small sense. The murmuring became random words. The random words gradually formed sentences. Even more gradually, the sentences began to have some small amount of coherence.

"It's all right. It won't be much longer. Forgive me. Please forgive me. I had no idea it would be like this for you. I should have known, I should have remembered, I should have known better…"

I tried to listen, tried to understand what the voice was saying. It was babble. For days I clung to the sound, incoherent or not. It was the lifeline I needed, I thought of only that voice, the sound, the soothing tones, the calm, the surety, the confidence.

I began to know that agony was now all I would ever feel. It became my new self. I was pain. Pain was me.

Parts of things the voice said began to make small pieces of sense. It told me that this would end and I prayed it was true. Let me die, let this end.

Then it slowly seemed to recede ever so slightly. I believed that I was simply learning to accept my new existence as one of agony, that I would never be free of it and so had begun to adapt to this hell. I wondered why this was happening, why this had happened and knew that it could only be some kind of holy retribution for some sins I'd committed and struggled to know what I'd done to deserve this. Surely I'd occasionally been cruel to friends, to strangers but had I really been so terrible to have this as my judgement?

What had I done? I wracked my brain but could think of nothing other than that God must indeed be the vengeful god we'd been warned about in church.

Slowly, moment by moment the pain lessened by infinitesimal degrees until I could feel the difference.

The hand still held mine, the unknown voice still murmured encouragement and apologies and I began to understand the words. "It was the only way, you must believe me…" "If I'd known it would be like this for you I would have never…" "It was your mother begged me, it was her last wish, I couldn't refuse her…" "I saw it, just as she asked, I saw how special you were. Not just your beauty, but your soul…" "You've no idea, no one can understand the loneliness, centuries of solitude…" "I had to, I had no choice…" "Forgive me, I had to do this…"

Finally, too long after it began, the veil lifted and I could open my eyes. The pain receded to a minor annoyance in retreat, finally no longer not worth noticing. I felt the bed beneath me, saw a tree outside a window, saw birds on the branches and heard their song. I heard someone shift and felt a slight tug on my hand, causing me to look to my right.

A man I didn't know sat, intently watching me. His look was mild, unthreatening, but nit quite calm. He seemed worried and I heard him say 'He looks frightened." It was clearly directed at me.

"Excuse me?"

Startled, he shook his head. "I didn't say anything."

"Yes, you did, you're worried that I'm afraid. I'm not." I was, of course, but I wasn't about to let him know that. I heard him say something about 'needs reassurance'

"My name is Carlisle Cullen. I'm a doctor. I'm your doctor and I've been looking after you the past few days. Do you still have pain?"

I shook my head. "I'm thirsty." My throat was burning; I've never been as thirsty in my life. I needed something now; I _had_ to have something to drink. "No, not water." I answered his voice, though I noticed that his lips didn't move. Odd. "I want…" I sat up, thinking about what I craved.

Of course, I wanted blood, human blood. I heard him say he'd been afraid of that and wondered how he could speak so clearly without moving his mouth. I realized, without any surprise, that I was reading him mind and that my thoughts were being directed to him as well.

I decide on a test and thought about what I wanted to do to someone, I looked at this Carlisle as I imagined grabbing someone, holding them as they struggled. I saw myself lower my face to their neck, heard the pulse and rush of blood through their veins and felt the rush of liquid and warmth as my teeth cut through their skin, drinking, sucking the blood and swallowing. Gazing over at the other man I smiled a challenge to him, daring him to stop me, silently knowing he wouldn't be able, wouldn't be able to do anything against me.

Then I heard the fear in his mind. He was thinking I was a mistake, that he'd chosen badly, that I wasn't malleable enough. I was too strong, I was too smart.

He was afraid of me and I loved that fact.

I reached out and touched his face, curious and spoke to him with my mind. _'You're a handsome man; it's to attract prey, isn't it?'_

'_Yes, but I don't.'_

'_You don't what?'_

"_I don't kill people, I live on the blood of animals—it's more humane."_

I laughed, he was ridiculous. _'Not to the animals, Doctor.'_ I watched him look at me, try to understand me and wondering what he could do to gain the advantage. _'Nothing.'_ He jerked back as though I'd struck him and I savored the power I had. _'If you'll excuse me, I would like to quench my thirst.' _I stood up then marveling at the strength in my body; I'd never felt like this, like I could do anything.

"I'll come with you, Edward."

"No need."

"I insist."

"I think not." I laughed again, he was absurd, and then gently pushed him away from me. He crashed against the wall, putting a body-sized hole in it and was clearly uninjured and used his distraction to get away from him. This was fun.

The first thing I noticed outside was the speed I could move, amazing and surreal. The rest of the world crawled beside me while I flew, besting the wind effortlessly. It was dark, late at night and I searched through the streets for a likely meal, the thirst now overpowering. I found myself on the West Side, near Hull House, knowing there would be any number of unfortunates there looking for food or shelter.

Yes, behind the building were four men around a small fire. I made short work of them, killing them one after another, drinking in an almost orgiastic frenzy and stupor, killing them so quickly there was no sound. There'd been no time for them to react and I loved them for that. They'd made my meal an easy one. I knew the doctor, Carlisle was close by but I didn't care about him any more than I cared about his disapproval. I was curious though and so, sated for now, I allowed him to approach.

"This was your doing. _Why_ did you do this to me?"

He seemed ashamed and hesitated. "Because your mother asked me to save you and I could."

'_You're lying, there's more. You were lonely and thought I could be your friend.'_

'_Yes.'_

'_And bed partner as well, I assume?'_

'_No, I'm not interested you in that way nor will I ever ask that of you. I was attracted to your intelligence and talents.'_

Absurd, the man was a child. "You saw me dying in an infirmary cot and divined my abilities? You're transparent, sir. You were looking for a younger brother to lead through this life, someone who would follow you unquestioningly, blindly. I'm not that person—and am I still a person, dare I ask?"

"Yes, you're still…"

'_I'm __undead__. Isn't that the phrase?'_

'_Yes, one of them. You're immortal, you'll never die now, never feel pain, never age.'_

The man was a fool. _'Are you God or the Devil to condemn me to this, or that an impertinence?'_

'_Neither; I'm a man, just as you are.'_

"No, not a man. A vampire. And, if you'll be so good as to forgive me, you'll understand me if I take my leave of you, sir. I thirst again."

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Newborn **

**Part Two**

Edward pushed Carlisle back as the older man tried to restrain him. There was no contest; the newborn was simply stronger, much stronger. Maybe another tact would work.

"Edward, please. I want to make sure you're all right and are able to handle yourself; will you allow me to come with you?"

The boy nodded once; it didn't matter what the doctor did. He was of no importance.

They moved faster than a human eye could have followed through the streets for long seconds until Edward stopped before a large and well kept home in one of Chicago's better neighborhoods. Carlisle realized the trip hadn't been random, this had been their destination. They stood in front of the dark house, no light shone though any of the windows, it appeared to be closed up, empty. Slower, they walked around the building, Edward looking, staring, trying to find something and becoming frustrated as whatever it was he wanted eluded him. "Where are they?"

Of course, he meant his parents. "I'm sorry." It was normal for him to not remember the recent past, especially when he'd been as sick as he was when he'd been brought to the hospital.

"Sorry for what?"

"I couldn't save them, I tried but I couldn't…"

The blood red eyes turned towards him, no other part of the newborn moved. "No. You could have; you chose not to save them."

"No, I didn't…"

"You saved me—such as it is. You could have done the same for them. You let them die." He laughed suddenly, a harsh noise. "And you didn't let me die; not _quite_. Why, Carlisle? Were you lonely? Did you need a friend? Perhaps you wanted someone to talk to? What was it you wished to talk _about, _was there something in particular? Shall we discuss this, have a chat?"

He had to diffuse this somehow before the young man went out of control. "Your mother asked me, Edward, she asked me to save you. Somehow I think she may have known I could and so I…"

"And so you did _this_. Very noble of you, _doctor_." The harsh laugh sounded again. "Much better to be like this than in a mass grave." He started up the steps to the back door. "But remind me, what was that oath you took? 'First, do no harm'? I seem to recall that being part of your job description." He pulled the door opened with no effort and went inside, going directly to a safe in what had obviously been his father's study. Pulling an oil portrait aside, he opened the largish wall safe hidden behind it. There were a number of various sized velvet jewelry boxes and several bundled piles of paper currency. Removing these he placed put them on the cleared desk. Seeing a large attaché case leaning against the wall, he dumped the papers out and placed the things from the safe inside. Next he calmly made his way up to the master bedroom and rifled through his mother's dressing table, adding to the stock of velvet boxes in the case he carried. He finished by crossing over to his father's dresser and dumping several gold pocket watches, heavy with chains and fobs and a number of sets of gold cufflinks in as well. Depending on the quality of Elizabeth Masen's jewels, the value of the case's contents could well be very large.

"What do you plan to do with that?"

"In the morning you're going to place these in a safe deposit box for safe keeping." Even with the events of the past few days, Edward retained enough lucidity to protect his family's assets. "Next, you're going to call the family attorney and inform him the entire Masen family has been declared dead. I assume you'll be able to produce the required certificates? Good. You see to it that everything, all my parent's holdings are transferred to a trust in such a way that I'll be able to access them if need be."

"How would I do…?"

"That's not my concern. You created this mess, you failed to save my parents and you've transformed me into this…_thing_. You resolve the situation. It would seem that you're not new to this way of life? Then you must have ways to make arrangements." Edward turned abruptly to leave.

"Where are you going?"

He smiled, "I'm thirsty again, would you care to join me? 'Care to see your creation in action?"

"I'd prefer to show you another way to live, if you'd be willing to listen to someone who's been part of this life for a long time."

Edward shook his head with a sarcastic smile on his face. "The zoo? Lions and tigers and bears? Oh, my. I think not, thank you, however a nice glass of curator might be nice." And he was gone with Carlisle close behind, the briefcase full of the family fortune held closely in Edward's hand.

The next few hours were horrifying to Carlisle; seven more people met their end at the newborn's hands and teeth with Carlisle unable to stop or slow him in any way. Finally, near dawn he managed to convince Edward that they needed to get out of sight as the first sun's rays caused the rainbows to refract from their crystalline skin. It was relatively simple to get Edward to close himself in the rented rooms the doctor had taken, so absorbed in his own beauty and new body.

His thirst temporarily quenched, Edward agreed to remain in one place for a while, seeming to understand that it was in both of their best interest to do so. He sat on an overstuffed chair, admiring his glittering hand in a shaft of sunlight from the skylight, lost in his own thoughts for several hours before Carlisle approached him.

"Are you all right? Can I get you anything?"

Edward turned his attention to Carlisle, seeming to study the older man. "You can get me answers." His attitude was detached, almost clinical which Carlisle found disconcerting; every other newborn he'd ever seen was out of control. This combination of fevered thirst and murder balanced between seeming introspection was unparalleled. "Why me?" A sound of impatience escaped him before Carlisle could begin his answer. "No, I know my mother supposedly asked you to save me. I'd hardly think that an unusual request in a ward full of dying people. What made you choose _me_? I assume you'd have any number of volunteers if you'd asked."

"I've told you; I was looking for a companion and you seemed _right_, somehow."

"You'd never even heard me speak; wasn't I unconscious when I was brought to the hospital?"

"On and off, yes, but while you were delirious, you spoke quite a lot and I spent time with your mother. She told me a great deal about you."

A dark look came over Edward's face. "You let her die; if you could save me, you could have saved her as well."

"You asked me to be honest; and much as you'd rather it be different, the simple truth is that I didn't feel a connection to her; I admired her devotion and deep love for you, but there was no connection—I felt you from the moment you were brought in. I knew you were the one with potential."

Edward raised an eyebrow and spoke with his mind. _"And if I fail to fulfill that potential? Is there death for the undead?"_

"_There are ways, yes. I hope it won't become necessary; I don't think it will be."_

"_What makes you so sure? You're already taken aback that I'm hard to control and you suspect that I'm smarter than you are—and you're right, I am."_

"_The fact that you're intelligent is why it shouldn't be necessary. To be honest, your behavior is common with newborn vampires and you should outgrow it in time."_

Edward took in what he'd been told and nodded. It made sense, otherwise the existence of vampires would be wider known; it would be impossible to hide. _"Why makes our eyes different, diet?"_

_"Yes, human blood makes yours red, animal blood make mine amber."_

_"Why?"_

_"I'm not sure, obviously some component of the blood."_

_"Obviously, have you never found out what, though?"_ Edward rolled his eyes when Carlisle shook his head. _"Did you know I'd be able to read thoughts? Can every one like us do so?"_

"_No—you're unique as far as I know."_

Edward regarded him for another long few seconds._ "Explain that."_

"_I can't, other than to think that you might have been born with some innate ability which has been allowed to blossom."_

Edward gave a bitter laugh._ "I suppose I'm in your debt, then." _Another sunray caught his hand as he moved his arm and he was distracted by the flash of light for a few long moments. _"So tell me what you see us doing together for the rest of eternity."_

_"I'm a doctor, I enjoy practicing my craft. You're free to do whatever you like, follow your interests. Elizabeth told me that you love music, you're free to study that if you'd like. You may go to any university you wish, travel anywhere on the planet, meet anyone you'd find interesting, marry if you want. Join the army if that's your vocation, though frankly, I think you'd tire of that soon enough."_

The smile was almost a leer. _"Indeed? I'd think it would be the perfect place for me; lots to eat."_ Carlisle shifted, uncomfortable. _"Something wrong, doctor?"_

_"…No, I simply think that you're still young, Edward. You won't always be…"_

_"I won't always be seventeen? Is that what you were going to say?" _He laughed again, an unpleasant and bitter sound. _"I beg to differ, in fact it seems that I will always be seventeen, or am I mistaken about that?"_

Carlisle didn't bother to answer. Edward was the one, he was certain of that, but it wasn't going to be easy.

TBC

5


	3. Chapter 3

**Newborn**

Part Three

Weeks passed, Edward and Carlisle came to some tacit understandings and agreements. Carlisle would go to the hospital every evening and Edward would hunt. They never discussed this; Carlisle couldn't avoid the reports about a monster stalking the streets of the city since they were virtually the only topic of conversation when he was at work. The death toll climbed every night, three one night, five the next. It was quickly starting to attract attention beyond the Chicago area.

The influenza epidemic continued, though there were signs that it was beginning to wane. Though the wards were still full, fewer new admissions were coming in and so some small amount of optimism could be found in the halls and nurse's stations.

Dr. Cullen was singled out, to his embarrassment and over his objections, for his tireless part in helping to fight the rising death toll. Finally, one morning about two months after Edward had been changed into a vampire, Carlisle came back to his rented rooms to announce, "It's time we left."

Edward looked up from the book he'd been reading. "Excuse me?"

"I'm starting to attract too much attention at the hospital and your hunting is becoming to obvious, it's time for us to go."

Edward nodded; he'd suspected this would be coming soon. If nothing else, the fact that he'd killed almost a hundred people would be enough to make life here for them difficult. The police and the newspapers were in an uproar, the public was demanding that the monster among them be stopped, captured and killed. There were vigilante gangs roaming the streets and neighborhoods at night; something Edward found amusing and had made an easy game of avoiding. Carlisle would find him at dawn when he returned from his hospital shift and wait for his baiting taunts of how much he'd drunk that night, who they were and how they'd reacted when they realized just what it was that was about to kill them.

The victims always seemed so relieved to see Edward at first, a handsome young man, well dressed and clearly well-born, smiling at them reassuringly, approaching them calmly as thought to ask directions or perhaps offer to escort them safely home in these frightening times. It was only when he subtly steered them behind a tree or down a too quiet street and asked if they'd perhaps heard about the mass murderer on the loose that they might—if they were bright enough—suspect that the charming young man beside them wasn't what he seemed.

Some would try to run, some wouldn't realized the truth quite yet, some would stare, frozen in horror and some would beg him to let them live, promising that they wouldn't tell anyone. It didn't matter. In minutes their corpses were discarded and forgotten. None of his victims made any impression on Edward, any more than a human thinks too deeply about the chicken breast on his plate.

There had only been one woman he'd let go unharmed, who hadn't any idea how close she'd come to death. She'd been leaving a saloon in a rough part of the city, somewhat the worse for drink. Edward had found that if he drank the blood of a drunk he would end up with an alcoholic buzz of his own. He approached her in the dim light and easily managed to lead her towards the lakeshore. Without warning the full moon broke through the clouds, bright enough that he could see the bronze color of her hair, piled on top of her head and looking enough like his mother that he was frozen into inaction. He left her standing there alone, wondering where the nice young man had disappeared to.

It was time for them to find new hunting grounds. "Do we pack or simply steal away in the night?" He was taunting Carlisle again; it had become his standard way of addressing the older man and had yet to get a reaction.

"We can leave whenever you're ready. I generally leave a place fairly empty-handed; it's easier to travel. Do you need to feed before we go?"

"No, I had good luck hunting, thank you. Shall we go now?" Carlisle nodded and Edward didn't argue, he knew this was for the best.

They simply ran, heading north with Edward having no idea as to where they'd end up. Crossing over into Canada then heading northwest, taking their time and finally ending up, almost three months later, in the newly created Mt. McKinley National Park, about a hundred miles north of Anchorage, Alaska. It was winter and the snow was deep when Carlisle finally led them to a comfortable looking lodge hidden in thick and deep forests. _"We're here." _They'd fallen into the habit of speaking to one another with their minds.

"_Where?"_

"_This is the home of some old friends, I think you may enjoy meeting them."_ He knocked at the door, civilization's manners in place.

The door opened, a stunning looking young woman with strawberry blonde hair smiled, unsurprised to see them standing there. "Carlisle, it's been far too long." They hugged and Edward thought that they related far more as siblings than anything else, though he read the woman's thoughts and knew she was impressed by his own appearance. More than impressed. "You didn't tell us you'd be bringing someone—introductions are called for.

"Of course, forgive me. Tanya, please meet Edward, Edward, Tanya." They moved into the main room. "And this is Kate and Irina. Ladies, Edward." There was the usual exchange of pleasantries and Edward was privately amused to think his mother would be pleased top know that good manners were observed by vampires.

"Carlisle, you've both been travelling; would you care to join me on a hunt now or would you prefer to wait?"

He and Edward exchanged a brief mental conversation. "I'd be pleased to join you but Edward is all right for now. Perhaps Irina would be good enough to interest him with the story of how we all met while we're gone, Tanya."

***

A few minutes later Carlisle and Tanya were half-heartedly stalking a large moose a few miles from the lodge. "His eyes are red, he's killing humans; is that why he isn't hunting with us?"

"He fed a few hours before we got here and he's still a newborn, give him time, Tanya. He's intelligent, he'll understand soon enough."

They slowed to almost human speed, just walking along side by side. "Is he your lover, is that why you made him?"

"No, he's a companion; I think of him as a son, of sorts. And I made him for a number of reasons."

They walked along, neither one caring about the hunt. They'd merely used that as an excuse to speak privately. "He has a bond with you already, that's apparent. Have you thought about what you'll do if he refuses to adhere to your beliefs?"

Carlisle had, indeed, thought about this. "I'm confident that Edward will come around when he's matured, the question is how long it will take. He's still very young, both as a vampire and as a person. It could take a few years; not a great deal of time to an immortal and I can wait that long. When he does decide to make the change, and I'm sure he will, then Edward can become the partner I've hoped for. He has the intelligence and the sensitivity, the background and grounding to enjoy and pursue the finer things the world has to offer; fine art, music, travel, research, expanding one's mind and sharing knowledge with others just as thirsty to use their brains. Edward has even begun to ask questions about medicine and said he might enjoy attending medical school, become my assistant. Harvard had sent him a letter of acceptance a few weeks before he'd taken ill with influenza, all we have to do was write back."

"But if he takes longer to decide or if he comes to think that being vegetarian isn't for him, then what?"

"I don't think that will be a problem, Tanya. I chose him carefully." But in fact he was concerned. Edward was strong willed and if he opted to lead a conventional vampire life then there would be little to be done to change his mind.

***

Later that day, with no one around to see them, Tanya took Edward out to show him the wonders of the park and get to know one another a bit. "You know that we consider Carlisle to be our big brother, you're our baby brother now."

He almost glared, staring at her.

"It's an adjustment, we all know that, we all understand what it is you're going through now, Edward. It's difficult but, with time, you'll see it's a goof life if you allow it to be."

She gently took his hand. "And you know that you're not alone in this; we all want to make this as easy for you as we can." She gently rubbed his fingers with her own as he continued to stare at her, almost looking into her. Tanya was starting to feel disconcerted by his intensity but wasn't about to admit it to this newborn.

"_Why are you doing this? Is it simply that you want to sleep with me or is there something else?"_

She was startled, something which hadn't happened in decades. He was _in_ her mind.

"_Yes, I can read minds, hear your thoughts; Carlisle didn't tell you?"_

"_No; I take it that this is since you've been changed?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Anything else, moving objects with your thoughts, perhaps?" _She was teasing him just a little. He shook his head.

"_I like you, Edward. I like you very much and I think that we could be friends if you'd like." _She suddenly saw that he'd never been with a woman and was intrigued by the idea, just as she was slightly taken aback by his hidden fear and nervousness brought on by her assertiveness._  
_

"_What about Carlisle? He expects me to stay with him."_

"_What about him? He's reasonable and he seems to want what's best for you." _She carefully moved some hair out of his eyes._ "You're young, I'd enjoy teaching you things. I think we could teach one another quite a lot."_

He pulled back, his face neutral and hard to read. After a moment he carefully disentangled his hand from hers and spoke aloud. "I'm flattered, Tanya. You're probably the most beautiful woman I'll ever meet and I've no doubt that there's much we could share…"

"But…?" She knew a brush off when she heard one.

"But right now I still have too much to learn from Carlisle and too many decisions to make to begin anything with anyone." He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed the back. "Perhaps in time we could think about this again."

She smiled and kissed his cheek like an affectionate sister; he was a sweet boy, just as Carlisle said he was. Yes, she'd bring this idea up when the time was more right. "We'll see each other again, Edward."

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Newborn**

**Part Four**

**Edward's Personal Journal**

It's been a year already, today is my birthday—or rather it's my dead-day, if you prefer. It's all in how you look at it, I suppose. One year ago I was human, my parents were alive, I'd been accepted to Harvard pre-law, I was waiting to turn eighteen so I could legally join the army, though I knew my mother had privately cried at night at the idea of my being in danger.

Now while I may go to Harvard—if fact Carlisle is pushing it hard, my parents are dead, the army isn't going to happen for me and the Great War is over. And I'll never turn eighteen. I may live a thousand years, but I'll never be eighteen, never have gray hair, never develop a gut, never get old.

This is it; what I see in the mirror now is what I'm going to see forever. I know I am beautiful but even that is a curse as it's merely a device to draw my prey to me more easily. When I walk about at night I see women look at me with lust or instant attraction, I endure that they want to speak with me, impress me, wish me to be as drawn to them. The reactions from the men amuse me; the most common is jealousy and then the acceptance that I will, if I choose, leave with the most desirable woman in the room. I listen to their thoughts, all of them, and I want to speak to their minds, let them see what I really am but, of course, I don't dare. I cultivate the image of enigma.

They have no idea.

I think some people would think that's a good thing if they knew; I see it as a life sentence with no possibility of parole.

I've watched my parents die and, while that's usually a painful though normal part of life for most, I'll also see my friends become decrepit and die while I continue on as I am now. Of course they won't see me, though—part of the deal is that no one can know the reality of our lives or even of the fact of our existence. This life—such as it is—that I've been condemned to is that of a vagabond, an eternal wanderer, doomed to never set down in one place for long enough to raise suspicion, never make lasting friendships with normal people or 'humans' as I have learned to refer to them.

I am no longer human. I am a monster, a murderer. I am a Vampire, one of the undead, an unholy, cursed…how morbidly melodramatic.

Carlisle tells me to embrace what I am as there's no help for it but he's had over three hundred years to accept his lot and I am, as he phrases it, still chafing against my new reality.

I'm calmer now; I have to grant him that. He told me over the past months that would happen, that as I grew into myself I would learn to control the urges that controlled me far more than I controlled them. I no longer kill five or six people a night but only two or three every week or so. I no longer run endless miles alone just to see how fast and far I can push what my body has become. I no longer sneer at the older, more mature vampires Carlisle introduces me to. I've learned tact, at least to a degree and this seems to please Carlisle so I've learned to also do the small things that make his life easier and so makes life less complicated for us both.

I stay at home when he wishes me to; I go out when he asks me. I follow him, learn from him and will, when he deems me ready, likely fill the spot being held for me in Cambridge in the Harvard class of 1924. I've even decided that I will pursue pre-med as a sop to him as, in a very real way, he has become my adoptive father. He looks after my wellbeing, cares for me, advises me, cautions me and, I believe, has a genuine affection for me which, I confess, I'm starting to reciprocate as a father's due. I am learning just how genuinely good a man he truly is; kind, compassionate. His mind is both disciplined and brilliant, he devotes himself to the art and the craft and the science of medicine with a single mindedness that astonishes me.

I knew my own father, Edward senior, was as exceptional in his own vocation of the law as Carlisle is in medicine but I also knew that he would play fast and loose now and then if he thought it would win him a case. I don't believe that he ever consciously broke the law, but I know he would often bend it to his will when he though it justified; 'the means to the ends' as he would phrase it. Father was, in his way, as good a man as Carlisle but I know that I disappointed him too often with my choices. We were too different, me with my musical dreaminess, romantic visions of heroics on the field of battle and occasional outbursts of temper and him, always calm and too rational.

My mother; I will always miss her, I think. I know that both Carlisle and the others of our kind tell me that as I age and mature the past—my past will fade away and become less and less distinct. I can only assume that they're right but I hope that some part of who I was will remain and I hope it will be the best parts, the parts that were shaped by Mother. She was gentle, devoted to Father and me and lived for us both. I used to secretly hope that she would stand up to him now and then or be firmer with me but she simply was incapable. Whatever it was Father wanted was also her desire, whatever it was I wanted she would move heaven and earth to try to provide. She was the one who noticed that I liked to play with the piano in the conservatory when I was four or five and found me a teacher. She taught me to read when I was about the same age and would endlessly read me books and tell me stories. She would bandage my skinned knees or bruised heart and she is who, more than anything or anyone, shaped me.

I doubt that I will ever completely forgive Carlisle for not changing her when she was dying. It would have been a simple thing for him and he didn't. His excuse? His explanation was that it didn't occur to him. He'd treated countless patients over the centuries and had never once thought to make another vampire, despite the fact he confided to me wanting to for at least a decade. He changed me because she asked and I seemed a likely candidate but why he didn't change her at the same time is something which will haunt me as long as—well, forever.

I think that Carlisle needs a woman. No, not in the base sense, though I'm sure he'd appreciate that side of things as well. He needs a real companion; I'm too much of a student to him, too much of a son, despite him being, biologically only six years older than I am. He needs that closeness, that connection and I suspect he knows this as well. He thinks the same of me, of course and I think that's why we went to Denali a few months ago so I could meet that coven's women. Tanya was far from shy in her approach and I can only hope that she wasn't hurt or insulted by my declining of her offers. I knew I'd simply be another notch on her bedpost, as my old friends would say and I've no desire to be that. Well, little desire, at any rate.

I must confess some curiosity to the less cerebral parts of friendship and love between a man and a woman. I regret that I never sampled those pleasures when I was still human. (God, it seems surreal to think of myself as no longer human.) I know I can never experience that now, even if I was to find someone of our kind who I would want in that way, it won't be the same as it would have been before. I'll never know what my parents shared and while I suppose that at some point I'll give myself to a woman, I fear it will be little more than the basest kind of physical release.

I've considered asking Carlisle about this as I can't think he's denied himself for over three hundred years but I can't bring myself to broach the subject with him. Part of the reason we've stayed together this long year was because of the mutual respect of personal boundaries. I can't violate that now. Besides, I can't begin to think how I would ever begin to ask him such a thing.

The past year—we've traveled, mostly. Started in Chicago, of course and then up to Denali for a few weeks. From there we found our way to Quebec as Carlisle wanted to visit some other old friends of his and, I suspect, continue my introduction to his circle of acquaintances. I found that I seem to have a newly acquired talent for languages, my rather average high school French becoming fluent in mere days. From Quebec we spent time in Montreal then up to Nova Scotia. Canada then back to Montana, next Washington State where he decided to purchase a fairly large tract of undeveloped land on the Olympia peninsula. He said something about the miserable weather being a lucky break for us as the sky is almost constantly overcast but glossed over some possible problem there with, as he put it, 'the neighbors', whatever that meant.

I find my ability to read minds growing month by month as well and suspect that in a few years time I might well be able to 'hear' someone miles away if I concentrate enough. Carlisle says he believes that I may have been born with some innate ability and being changed has multiplied it somehow. Perhaps. I suppose it's as good an answer as any.

I'm starting to adjust to this life, such as it is. I'm neither happy nor unhappy with it but take it as it comes, knowing that I'm still new to this and learning.

It seems to me that it's to my advantage to accept what's happened to me as I have little choice and railing against my fate would accomplish nothing.

I admit to lingering anger and resentment against Carlisle as this was his doing and the fact he was fulfilling my mother's last wish holds little water for me as she could have no idea of the reality she was condemning me to. I shall do what I can and attempt to make the best of this. I shall attend Harvard as both of my fathers wanted and use my endless time for purpose.

I look into the future and see an endless blank corridor of time filled with…nothing.

I will make it my mission to find the reason why I have been thrust into this never-ending hell.

TBC

4


	5. Chapter 5

**Newborn**

**Part Five**

**Conclusion**

I did enter Harvard in the fall of 1919 but we ended up staying in the Boston area only a few months so I opted to take a leave of absence from the school, an unlimited leave of absence. I informed the registrar of my parents deaths and the need for my brother (Carlisle and I were pretending to be siblings at this point) to return home to attend family business. The Dean wished me well and assured me that my place would be waiting when I was ready to continue my studies.

It would be over two decades and only under a different name that I would finally get that particular degree. No matter.

In fact we left Boston and the East Coast simply because Carlisle was worried I was still too young a vampire to be completely trusted in a large city and so thought it best that we head for a quieter area. "Besides", he'd said, "I want to introduce you to the idea of a non-human diet and there will be much less temptation for you in a small town."

"But I _like_ human blood."

"So do we all, but you have a problem killing innocents; you have a conscience. This is a fair compromise."

"If it was such a good idea, why are you practically the only one who's thought of it?"

He restrained his eyes from rolling but took a deep breath, allowing himself a moment to regain his patience. "You agreed to at least try and I would appreciate your keeping your word."

"_Fine." _

"Thank you."

In fact, of course, he still didn't trust me not to murder everyone I chanced upon on the street. He reminded me of the more annoying parts of my real father when he was like this. I suspect he thought of me as an annoying adolescent and I know there were days he had second thoughts about changing me, thinking more than once that a dog would have been an easier companion. He was probably right.

So we left Boston and headed, rather randomly, for the Midwest. Having grown up in Chicago, I had almost a feeling of going home, though we avoided Illinois. "But why not just go back there? You know the hospital would welcome you back and…"

He put his hand on my shoulder, making a point. "Edward, you have to understand that your life isn't what it was and never will be again. Chicago is no longer your home, you need to avoid your old friends and your relatives, your cousins and grandparents. They attended your funeral and are still mourning the loss of you and your parents. You're dead to them and must remain so. In a few years—and you'll be surprised how quickly the years will pass—you might be able to go back but it will never be the same and you have to accept this." He paused a moment to allow his words sink in. "There's no other choice."

"But…" I stopped, knowing he was right. There was a new stone in the family plot now, probably one shared stone for me and my parents, united in death and forever. As far as everyone I knew was concerned, I had died tragically a seventeen, never fulfilling whatever promise I might have had, never falling in love, never growing old. I was just another statistic from the Spanish Influenza, one of millions, and so I would have to remain. Edward Masen was dead; Edward Cullen had replaced him.

I trace that moment to the beginning of my acceptance of my new reality. I never used my birth name again. I'm tempted to say that a part of me died that day but the truth is that there was little left to die. I was a child, despite being considered a man—a _young_ man, but a man when I took ill. I had the vaguest of ideas what I would do with my life or how I would do anything. I had only sketchy thoughts of returning from the trenches in France covered in medals and glory, meeting then marrying a beautiful paragon and leading a perfect life, surrounded by fine things, enough money, adoring children and friends.

I was a child. Now I needed to grow up.

It was early 1920 when Carlisle found yet another job as doctor in a small Wisconsin farming town called New Richmond. It was an easy run to St. Paul for whatever we might need but was deep enough in the hinterlands to have enough animals for us to kill. I loathed the place from the moment we arrived and further detested the fact that he insisted I enroll in the local high school as a cover story.

"What will you do if you're not in school? The neighbors will talk and then we'll have to leave again within months."

"Why can't you just tell them I'm still recovering from the flu and the deaths of our parents?"

"So that all the young farm widows and their daughters insist on taking care of you with dinner invitations and bring us endless casseroles? Thank you, no. Besides, you might learn something."

"How to make cheese, perhaps?"

"Edward…"

"_Fine_, I'll go."

I was enrolled as a junior at the local school, easily earning a perfect academic record, something I'd do too many times in the ensuing decades. It would be a pattern repeated over and over; I was the new boy in the third row, the girls would all want me and try to get me to notice them. The boys would all resent me; the teachers would praise me, compliment me to Carlisle when he played the doting older brother and then insist that my abilities and talents were wasted in a place like New Richmond. I should go to a good college; surely there would be a scholarship I could win to the University of Minnesota or maybe even one of the schools back east. They would be happy to write the letters of recommendation and the school would be so proud.

I demurred, saying I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and Carlisle insisted that I was still too shattered by the loss we'd suffered to think about college yet, besides, I had a year till graduation. Maybe in a year or two I'd go but in the meantime I was a great help to him in his practice and we both tended to be solitary creatures, enjoying the quiet of our new home after the bustle and noise of the big city.

It didn't matter that we told people we preferred keeping to ourselves to let our grief heal, we were still obligated to attend the local church socials now and then and Carlisle was too often forced into squiring a local spinster to some musicale or other. To my astonishment, he didn't seem to really mind and it was beyond me how he did it.

"Because it's fascinating, Edward. Open yourself to what's around you instead of hiding behind your books. This is a vanishing way if life, don't you see that? It's disappearing right before us and will never return."

I didn't see the attraction, but if he was happy, then fine for now. This would pass soon enough like every place we lived would. I didn't care. I did begin to seriously wonder what eternity would hold for us, though. "Are we really going to spend endless years drifting from place to place, Carlisle? Life, no matter how long or short, needs a purpose. Is there any in what we're doing? We accomplish nothing here."

He gave me a long look, frustrated by my denseness. "I'm a doctor, Edward. I have a purpose. You need to find your own interests." I started to say something but he went on. "You have talents that you were born with; your music, for one, You have an unlimited ability to develop whatever you wish. You can study any subject, travel anywhere in the world, and meet virtually anyone. You're limited by your own parochial thinking, _you're_ what's limiting yourself." He paused, disappointed by my lack of motivation. "Think of what you can accomplish if you choose to apply yourself to whatever it is you want, Edward." He took his jacket from the coat-rack, leaving for his office. "I must tell you that I understand you're still something of a newborn but I have no tolerance for boredom. You have access to any and everything on the planet. I really must insist that you make some use of your options."

He was gone and left me feeling even worse than I had before, if that's possible, He was entirely correct, of course. Whether I'd wanted it or not, I'd been given an unparalleled opportunity. I resolved then and there to make a decision. I would. I gave myself one week to decide what I'd do next—I would make a plan and follow through with it.

But that night everything changed.

She'd been brought in as a suicide victim who'd threw herself off a cliff when her infant died. It was her good luck—I suppose—that Carlisle was near the morgue when she was brought in and only he had the ability in the dark ages of 1921 to hear the slight flow of blood still moving through her veins. He was asked to make the official pronouncement of death and to sign the certificate, both of which he did and then waited until the nurse left the room. He bit the woman, brought her to our home and waited through three days while she was changed. I spelled him now and then or when he had to go to his patients but it was mostly him who stayed with her.

Esme. It was Esme, of course.

Knowing what she would be like in a few days, Carlisle announced a sudden offer from a large hospital in Arizona and we left, taking Esme to a remote hunting cabin Carlisle had purchased several hundred miles from New Richmond for just this purpose. We would be undisturbed.

I watched with Carlisle as she went through the burning and saw him suffer along with her. I wondered if he'd felt my pain the same way three years earlier when he'd changed me and belatedly realized that was why he felt so connected to me. I've heard that giving birth is one of the most painful things on earth; I think Carlisle understands that; he's been through it with the ones he's changed. My belated realization made me understand him that much better and love him that much more.

At the end, when Esme woke we guided her through the long newborn period together, teaching her, protecting her and one another when she became violent and knowing it was temporary. Finally, slowly and over eight or nine months, she began to calm. From then it was a very short time, at least for a vampire, before she settled into a contentment of gentleness and quiet joy that turned our small cabin into a home, welcoming and warm.

And there was more; I spoke to Carlisle's mind for the sake of privacy_. "You're in love with her." _Carlisle and I were sitting on the small front porch of the cabin, watching the sun set, Esme half a mile away gathering flowers to decorate the small front room.

"_Yes, I believe that I am." _

Of course he was, a blind man could have seen it. _"I'm sure she feels the same about you."_

He would have blushed if he could._ "I hope so."_

There was only one thing for me to do; give him what I knew he wanted. _"I may go back to Harvard for a while, if you don't mind. I was thinking about possibly majoring in music this time around; I can always go back for pre-med."_

He hesitated, his thoughts guarded and a little confused. "If that's what you truly want then of course that's what you must do, but I was afraid that you'd feel obligated to leave. In fact, I'd really rather that you stayed, so long as you're not uncomfortable with Esme and myself. I was going to ask her to marry me and, if she'll have me, I thought we would be a family; it seems so natural. I'd so greatly enjoy that and, we could move somewhere with a few more diversions, set up a real home together."

"_No, absolutely not. I'd be intruding; you'll be a newly wed. Esme would want you to herself, Carlisle. Neither of you needs me hanging about. And I've been here long enough. You didn't sign on to adopt me; that was hardly part of the deal."_

"_Edward, no. You know I was looking for a companion and you've become a good one. I would…miss you" _He hesitated slightly at that admission, not wanting to embarrass me or put more pressure on me to stay if I really did want to go.

"_I'll be perfectly fine on my own, I assure you."_ Part of me did very much want to stay with them both but a larger part of me wanted to go. I suspect it was a natural desire on my part to leave the family home when I believed myself ready, just like any son reaches a point of wanting to be on their own.

"_You misunderstand me…"_

Just then Esme joined us, her arms full of spring wildflowers. "What are you two doing here, am I interrupting?" Both of us loved her, the difference was that Carlisle was _in_ love, I merely loved her as a welcomed companion.

"I was thinking of going back to school in time for the fall semester, maybe to study music."

"That would be wonderful for you, but…you'd be leaving us. Oh, Edward!" Her face reflected her conflicting emotions. "I just wish that…but you have to do what's best for you." She put her hand on my cheek in a maternal caress. "Carlisle, maybe we could all move to wherever he decides to study, could we do that?"

They both looked at me, waiting for an answer. "I…ah…"

Carlisle saved me. "We don't need to decide right this moment and Edward knows that we'll support whatever he chooses to so. He knows that he's loved here and that his home is with us as long as he wants." He stood up, always tactful, as he changed the subject. "Now, shall we hunt?"

Hours later, near dawn, Esme found me sitting on a rock outcropping overlooking a small lake on the property. "He's upset, Edward. You two must clear this up between you soon before it grows and festers."

"He said I should do what's best for me."

"I know what he said but you know as well as I do that you'll break his heart if you abandon him."

I turned to look at her, annoyed; she was serious. "Then he should say what he really means, Esme. Besides, I'm not 'abandoning' him; I'm going to school. It's hardly the same thing."

She sat beside me and held my hand. "You know better than that, Edward. You know better than I do what our being here means to him. He's been alone for almost three hundred years and now he has a family in every sense of the word and it would break his heart to lose that."

Yes, I knew that. "But you two want to get married; you won't want me around."

Esme laughed, a wonderful sound. "Don't be silly; you've been with him since I arrived—since _before_ I arrived and I can't think of a single secret we could keep from you even if we cared to. Need I remind you that you read our minds constantly?" She squeezed my fingers. "Do what you need to but don't use Carlisle and my being together as an excuse. If you truly want to go study then do so but know that we're still your family and always will be…and that we expect you come back when you're ready." She shifted on the rock and tossed a small stone into the lake, smiling at the ripples and lightening the mood. "This being a vampire isn't anything like I thought it would be."

That made me smile as well. "How so?"

"I feel so _normal_. Well, aside from not having to cook anymore." Her arm slipped around my shoulders; Esme was always tactile. "And even though I lost my son, I've gained one with you. I know you still mourn your parents and you're right to do so, but I hope you'll let me be another mother for you, Edward. I don't mean to replace Elizabeth Masen any more than you replace my own son, I know no one could, but you're not alone, sweetheart, not as long as I'm here." She leaned over and kissed my cheek. I watched her stand up and start back to the cabin.

I'd lost a family and gained one, she was right and I was beginning to understand that. My life had, for all purposes, ended and begun again. I'd been directionless before and now I had unlimited options to choose from. I was one of the undead, a monster in every real sense of the word, but I also had eternity to make whatever amends were possible.

Oh, don't misunderstand me; given a choice I'd still be Edward Masen in a heartbeat—if I still had a heartbeat. I'd still live in a big house in Chicago and be sorting through my possibilities. I'd likely marry and raise a family much as I'd been raised and follow the path that had been laid out for me before I'd even been born.

None of that would happen now, I knew this. Edward Masen was dead. He died in the Spanish Influenza epidemic along with his parents.

For better or worse, Edward Cullen would finish what he'd left undone.

For now.

2/8/09

7


End file.
